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I'm looking for jobs online. The search is futile. There is nothing for an inexperienced college grad who can't write a fucking cover letter to save her life. I will spend the rest of my life living in my Mom's house, eating her food, and bumming cash off her.
Jul. 2nd, 2003
Runnin Down a Dream - SCN
Jul. 2nd, 2003 11:37 pmInteresting realization:
I can't feel shit.
Came to this conclusion while thinking about Kirk this evening. Been doing that a lot recently. Can't remember if I've written about it. Kirk has been on my mind ever since graduation. Actually, he was on it for some time before that, but now that I'm back in the city, he's everywhere. Everything reminds me of him. And while I've finally come to understand why he did what he did, that understanding hasn't healed me.
Looking back on the last nine months, reviewing journal entries, replaying events in my head, I see that I haven't felt any real happiness or elation since Kirk left me. I'm neutral to everything positive, totally numb to things I should be, and previously would have been, passionate about.
I'm not passionate about Josh, or job hunting, or apartment hunting, or reading, or writing. I'm just numb. All I can honestly say I've felt in these last few months is sadness. I still seem quite capable of experiencing the wealth of negatve emotions, but all the positive ones are just...nonexistent.
I don't like anything anymore. I don't look forward to anything. Life has become very strenuous even when I'm not doing anything. When Kirk died, he took my ability to feel joy. I'd feel sad about that if I had the ability to at the moment. But I don't.
This was nothing more than another neutral report concerning the state of my being.
I can't feel shit.
Came to this conclusion while thinking about Kirk this evening. Been doing that a lot recently. Can't remember if I've written about it. Kirk has been on my mind ever since graduation. Actually, he was on it for some time before that, but now that I'm back in the city, he's everywhere. Everything reminds me of him. And while I've finally come to understand why he did what he did, that understanding hasn't healed me.
Looking back on the last nine months, reviewing journal entries, replaying events in my head, I see that I haven't felt any real happiness or elation since Kirk left me. I'm neutral to everything positive, totally numb to things I should be, and previously would have been, passionate about.
I'm not passionate about Josh, or job hunting, or apartment hunting, or reading, or writing. I'm just numb. All I can honestly say I've felt in these last few months is sadness. I still seem quite capable of experiencing the wealth of negatve emotions, but all the positive ones are just...nonexistent.
I don't like anything anymore. I don't look forward to anything. Life has become very strenuous even when I'm not doing anything. When Kirk died, he took my ability to feel joy. I'd feel sad about that if I had the ability to at the moment. But I don't.
This was nothing more than another neutral report concerning the state of my being.