![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
More Than Wanted
Jan. 12th, 2003 05:25 pmClark left this morning. He left a message on my voicemail saying goodbye. I appreciate the fact that he actually made good on his promise to call before he got going. Said he'll be in touch. Sure.
I was saved last night. After writing the previous entry, guess who signed on to IM? Guess, you'll never guess. Matt Kawa!!! We hadn't spoken in over two years so of course I pounced on him with utter abandon. He's still in school, gonna graduate this year, and still dating that girl of his. He sounds well. He's thinking of moving to DC after graduation, surprise surprise.
Speaking to him kinda perked me up.
It's so strange. People are so much more receptive then we give them credit for. Whenever I send out a psychic SOS, someone always picks up on it and they answer. Matt ansered last night. Clark answered on Friday, and even though he made me happy for just one day, he still heard the call.
That's another strange thing: the change I saw Clark go through while he was here. All the times we've spoken and seen each other since graduation he has been a gleaming sweetie. Totally kind, fun, silly, sympathetic, just an all around good guy. And even when he was still a student here, he was always incredibly nice to me when no one was looking.
Friday night, he came over to my place, and he was himself, the sweet kind guy who helped me through the whole Kirk ordeal. He told me about his life, and Lisa, and gave me compliments. But when I saw him yesterday in the Gizmo with Ian and Mike, he was harsh, a bit critical, scathingly sarcastic. And it hit me that he had put on his Knox persona. Everyone around here knows him as the sharp sarcastic asshole. It's who they expact when they see him, it's who they like. And their expectations must be met. He spent four years building that persona, it only makes sense that he would have to put it back on when he came to visit.
But I don't like that persona. While he wears it well, it's an unwelcome change from the Clark that I've come to know over the last year and a half. When I saw him in that old skin yesterday it made me uneasy, and I haven't been uneasy around him in years. I don't want him to come back. He needs to stay away from Knox. He regresses out here. He needs to be in places where he doesn't have to put on the hard face.
Note to self: don't interact with Clark in the presence of any Knox alumni. He's only himself when the two of us are just the two of us.
Went to the Gizmo today. Did a little homework. Gotta start scoring my scene. And writing my feminism journal. And writing a response for Rob. Can save all that for later.
I really wish Gayley were here. And I wish Mikey were here. I want some visitors, some NICE visitors. I have fun with them. I really want to go out, to the movies or to dinner or something. But I have no money. I only have 85 dollars, and my med refill is gonna cost 81, so no off campus activities for Carla this week.
Steffi is coming to visit this weekend. I told Tina the two of them are not allowed to spend the entire time holed up in her room. They must emerge and hang out with the rest of the living a few times while she is here.
I feel slightly better today. Not much, but a bit. I feel like I've been productive. And I'm gonna go see Tina in the studio very soon.
A little less solitay today.
I was saved last night. After writing the previous entry, guess who signed on to IM? Guess, you'll never guess. Matt Kawa!!! We hadn't spoken in over two years so of course I pounced on him with utter abandon. He's still in school, gonna graduate this year, and still dating that girl of his. He sounds well. He's thinking of moving to DC after graduation, surprise surprise.
Speaking to him kinda perked me up.
It's so strange. People are so much more receptive then we give them credit for. Whenever I send out a psychic SOS, someone always picks up on it and they answer. Matt ansered last night. Clark answered on Friday, and even though he made me happy for just one day, he still heard the call.
That's another strange thing: the change I saw Clark go through while he was here. All the times we've spoken and seen each other since graduation he has been a gleaming sweetie. Totally kind, fun, silly, sympathetic, just an all around good guy. And even when he was still a student here, he was always incredibly nice to me when no one was looking.
Friday night, he came over to my place, and he was himself, the sweet kind guy who helped me through the whole Kirk ordeal. He told me about his life, and Lisa, and gave me compliments. But when I saw him yesterday in the Gizmo with Ian and Mike, he was harsh, a bit critical, scathingly sarcastic. And it hit me that he had put on his Knox persona. Everyone around here knows him as the sharp sarcastic asshole. It's who they expact when they see him, it's who they like. And their expectations must be met. He spent four years building that persona, it only makes sense that he would have to put it back on when he came to visit.
But I don't like that persona. While he wears it well, it's an unwelcome change from the Clark that I've come to know over the last year and a half. When I saw him in that old skin yesterday it made me uneasy, and I haven't been uneasy around him in years. I don't want him to come back. He needs to stay away from Knox. He regresses out here. He needs to be in places where he doesn't have to put on the hard face.
Note to self: don't interact with Clark in the presence of any Knox alumni. He's only himself when the two of us are just the two of us.
Went to the Gizmo today. Did a little homework. Gotta start scoring my scene. And writing my feminism journal. And writing a response for Rob. Can save all that for later.
I really wish Gayley were here. And I wish Mikey were here. I want some visitors, some NICE visitors. I have fun with them. I really want to go out, to the movies or to dinner or something. But I have no money. I only have 85 dollars, and my med refill is gonna cost 81, so no off campus activities for Carla this week.
Steffi is coming to visit this weekend. I told Tina the two of them are not allowed to spend the entire time holed up in her room. They must emerge and hang out with the rest of the living a few times while she is here.
I feel slightly better today. Not much, but a bit. I feel like I've been productive. And I'm gonna go see Tina in the studio very soon.
A little less solitay today.
