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It has been a scary weekend.
The trend began Friday night when Tina and I went to go see The Ring. Man that movie tripped me the fuck out!!! It was just so...WEIRD!!! I was acting like such a girl in the theater, grabbing Tina's arms and hiding my face behind my hands. Tina wasn't scared but I slept with the light on that night.
Saturday was LARP night so Gemma was gone all day. I sat at home and watched The Shining on TNT. Now I am not scared of the Shining, never have been. But because I was alone on the house, and it was late, and I was still wound up from the night before, I got very jumpy. Towards the end I just had to turn off the TV and go play on the internet. I knew I would just scare myself even more if I kept watching. Tina came over, and when Gemma, Jon, Adam, and their friend Jeremy came back from LARP we watched Fear on MTV. I slept with the light on that night as well.
And you'd think I'd have learned my lesson, but no. I insistsed on watching Halloween this evening while Jon and Gemma were at dinner. So I'm prolly sleeping with the light on AGAIN. And since October 31st is this week you know there isn't going to be anything but scary movies on TV all damn week! I can't shake them. But then agan I don't think I really want to.
After seeing the Ring I think I finally have an idea for a Halloween costume. I'm gonna dress up as the villain, Samara Morgan. It would be a really easy costume. All I'd need is a white nightgown, and to brush my hair over my face. I think it would be sweet to walk around campus like that all day.
Something else happened tonight. The event itself isn't all that weird. In fact, at this point it's become down right routine. Ran into Will down in the basement. And, long story short, he propositioned me yet again. If nothing else the boy is persistent. How many times have I turned him down? And he still keeps trying? Bad thing was I've been horny all weekend (because I'm on my period) so I actually told him I'd think about it.
It's been almost a year since I've had sex. Physically, I'm getting antsy.
But...
Sheesh, we all know my long history of fuct up sexual encounters. We know how I react in situations such as these which is why I stopped having meaningless sex, because sex is never meaningless, at least not to me. The minute I responded I felt guilty. I'm not attracted to Will. I'm still hung up on Kirk both physically and emotionally. Even though I am functioning well on a day to day level I don't even want to think about trying to engage in any sort of sexual or romantic activity right now. I'm just...I don't think it would be a good idea. I know I'd feel bad if I did. I'd feel as though I were betraying Kirk, I'd feel slutty, I'd hate myself immensely afterwards.
So when Will calls me next week I'm gonna have to tell him it was a big mistake, there's no way I'm ready to fuck anyone just yet, even if my body IS going insane from abstinence. Mentally, I can't handle intimacy, particularly false intimacy.
Kirk and I were working towards a meaningful intimacy. And now that the mission has been aborted, all the feelings that our explorations raised in me are directionless. They're floating around with no place to settle. I'm raw, I'm open, and I can't afford to put myself into unskilled hands.
The trend began Friday night when Tina and I went to go see The Ring. Man that movie tripped me the fuck out!!! It was just so...WEIRD!!! I was acting like such a girl in the theater, grabbing Tina's arms and hiding my face behind my hands. Tina wasn't scared but I slept with the light on that night.
Saturday was LARP night so Gemma was gone all day. I sat at home and watched The Shining on TNT. Now I am not scared of the Shining, never have been. But because I was alone on the house, and it was late, and I was still wound up from the night before, I got very jumpy. Towards the end I just had to turn off the TV and go play on the internet. I knew I would just scare myself even more if I kept watching. Tina came over, and when Gemma, Jon, Adam, and their friend Jeremy came back from LARP we watched Fear on MTV. I slept with the light on that night as well.
And you'd think I'd have learned my lesson, but no. I insistsed on watching Halloween this evening while Jon and Gemma were at dinner. So I'm prolly sleeping with the light on AGAIN. And since October 31st is this week you know there isn't going to be anything but scary movies on TV all damn week! I can't shake them. But then agan I don't think I really want to.
After seeing the Ring I think I finally have an idea for a Halloween costume. I'm gonna dress up as the villain, Samara Morgan. It would be a really easy costume. All I'd need is a white nightgown, and to brush my hair over my face. I think it would be sweet to walk around campus like that all day.
Something else happened tonight. The event itself isn't all that weird. In fact, at this point it's become down right routine. Ran into Will down in the basement. And, long story short, he propositioned me yet again. If nothing else the boy is persistent. How many times have I turned him down? And he still keeps trying? Bad thing was I've been horny all weekend (because I'm on my period) so I actually told him I'd think about it.
It's been almost a year since I've had sex. Physically, I'm getting antsy.
But...
Sheesh, we all know my long history of fuct up sexual encounters. We know how I react in situations such as these which is why I stopped having meaningless sex, because sex is never meaningless, at least not to me. The minute I responded I felt guilty. I'm not attracted to Will. I'm still hung up on Kirk both physically and emotionally. Even though I am functioning well on a day to day level I don't even want to think about trying to engage in any sort of sexual or romantic activity right now. I'm just...I don't think it would be a good idea. I know I'd feel bad if I did. I'd feel as though I were betraying Kirk, I'd feel slutty, I'd hate myself immensely afterwards.
So when Will calls me next week I'm gonna have to tell him it was a big mistake, there's no way I'm ready to fuck anyone just yet, even if my body IS going insane from abstinence. Mentally, I can't handle intimacy, particularly false intimacy.
Kirk and I were working towards a meaningful intimacy. And now that the mission has been aborted, all the feelings that our explorations raised in me are directionless. They're floating around with no place to settle. I'm raw, I'm open, and I can't afford to put myself into unskilled hands.
