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I can already tell this is going to be a very disjointed entry. I did a lot of thinking before I fell asleep last night. As per usual, I was convinced I'd remember all of it when I woke up, and of course, I don't. So I'm just gonna ramble and see what comes out, what associations I make, what conclusions I draw, and stuff like that.
Spoke to Gayley online last night. Told me she had finally started crying over Matt which is good. She was ambivalent about going to the memorial service today though. She didn't want to go alone, she wanted some there to hold her hand, which I can certainly understand. I told her she should go even if she couldn't find anyone to accompany her. One way or the other, a service usually provides closure. I wish I could have been at Kirk's. She wasn't really talking so I just kept asking questions about how she was feeling. She said she'd felt "flat" all day. That seemed really astute to me. I say I felt (and still feel) numb, but I think as a single word flat encompasses the many aspects to how I am feeling right now more accurately then numb. These last few days I've been struggling to categorize my thoughts, emotions and actions with regard to Kirk, because I know there has been a shift in all of the above, I just didn't know what to.
But now I can say it is flatness, an all pervasive feeling of flatness.
For example, Moses came over for a visit last night. First time I've seen him all year, first time we've had an actual conversation one on one in almost 4 years. He was in my room pawing through my shit, and the whole time I just felt completely removed. Like I was watching a movie. I didn't say anything, just watched him. And I listened to him talk. I didn't know what to say or how to respond to him because I didn't truly feel like I was THERE! It was like there was this glass plate separating us, I could see him and hear him and nod and smile, but I couldn't touch him. And that's how I feel with everyone these days, like I can't touch anyone and no one can touch me.
Of course you think, well ya know that sounds a lot like depression. But it's not. When I was depressed I got no pleasure from life, everything that touched me just felt evil and wrong. So I withdrew from life voluntarily. At this point, I know I am capable of feeling pleasure, it just feels like there is this outside force preventing any from touching me. It's like, I WANT to be able to engage others, but I don't know how. I'm pretty sure i bored Moses last night because I was barely talking and wasn't being much of a hostess.
Still, the only thing I want to talk about is Kirk, but I don't want to trouble people by making them listen to that. So I don't say things i want to and I don't have conversations I need to have. I talk about other things, anything, whatever my partner wants to talk about. And it makes me feel very fake and very one dimensional; flat. I'm not saying what I'm thinking and I'm not thinking about what I should when I'm i a conversation. It's like double-consciousness.
I was thinking about Kirk again as I fell asleep last night. I almost started crying. All the typical fare: why did you do it? didn't I love you enough? wasn't I worth hanging around for? will I ever be able to like someone again the way I liked you? am I damaged goods now? will I always want you and never anyone else? Because that's how it feels right now. I feel like I found my soul mate. Kirk was so different then anyone else I'd ever met, from any guy I'd ever dated. I think I could have married him. Of course thats easy to say now, but I truly do. If we both could have gotten decent treatment I think we would have been a match made in heaven.
But now he's gone. And I don't know how to reassemble my emotions. Kirk was kind of waking up the romantic, and sexual feelings that went underground when I was depressed. And now, even though he is dead, they are still focused on him. I'm not asexual, I just don't feel anything for anyone other then Kirk and I don't think I ever will. It's a silly though, because i know I'll get over this, but it's there. All I want is Kirk to hold me, Kirk to talk with me, Kirk to send me email, Kirk to call me, Kirk to cuddle up next to me as I fall asleep. The REAL Kirk, not the alive only in my head Kirk.
The only person who is even mildly producing a stir in my psyche is the Kirk look alike. He seems to be waiting for me around every damn corner these days. I've seen him twice already today, and both times it really flipped me out. First time I wanted to kiss him, second I almost cried. He is just so much like my Kirk, so much. I'm half tempted to scream the name Kirk down the hall one day and see if he turns around.
*sigh* oh man, lotta stuff going on in my head. Maybe I'll email Clark today.
Spoke to Gayley online last night. Told me she had finally started crying over Matt which is good. She was ambivalent about going to the memorial service today though. She didn't want to go alone, she wanted some there to hold her hand, which I can certainly understand. I told her she should go even if she couldn't find anyone to accompany her. One way or the other, a service usually provides closure. I wish I could have been at Kirk's. She wasn't really talking so I just kept asking questions about how she was feeling. She said she'd felt "flat" all day. That seemed really astute to me. I say I felt (and still feel) numb, but I think as a single word flat encompasses the many aspects to how I am feeling right now more accurately then numb. These last few days I've been struggling to categorize my thoughts, emotions and actions with regard to Kirk, because I know there has been a shift in all of the above, I just didn't know what to.
But now I can say it is flatness, an all pervasive feeling of flatness.
For example, Moses came over for a visit last night. First time I've seen him all year, first time we've had an actual conversation one on one in almost 4 years. He was in my room pawing through my shit, and the whole time I just felt completely removed. Like I was watching a movie. I didn't say anything, just watched him. And I listened to him talk. I didn't know what to say or how to respond to him because I didn't truly feel like I was THERE! It was like there was this glass plate separating us, I could see him and hear him and nod and smile, but I couldn't touch him. And that's how I feel with everyone these days, like I can't touch anyone and no one can touch me.
Of course you think, well ya know that sounds a lot like depression. But it's not. When I was depressed I got no pleasure from life, everything that touched me just felt evil and wrong. So I withdrew from life voluntarily. At this point, I know I am capable of feeling pleasure, it just feels like there is this outside force preventing any from touching me. It's like, I WANT to be able to engage others, but I don't know how. I'm pretty sure i bored Moses last night because I was barely talking and wasn't being much of a hostess.
Still, the only thing I want to talk about is Kirk, but I don't want to trouble people by making them listen to that. So I don't say things i want to and I don't have conversations I need to have. I talk about other things, anything, whatever my partner wants to talk about. And it makes me feel very fake and very one dimensional; flat. I'm not saying what I'm thinking and I'm not thinking about what I should when I'm i a conversation. It's like double-consciousness.
I was thinking about Kirk again as I fell asleep last night. I almost started crying. All the typical fare: why did you do it? didn't I love you enough? wasn't I worth hanging around for? will I ever be able to like someone again the way I liked you? am I damaged goods now? will I always want you and never anyone else? Because that's how it feels right now. I feel like I found my soul mate. Kirk was so different then anyone else I'd ever met, from any guy I'd ever dated. I think I could have married him. Of course thats easy to say now, but I truly do. If we both could have gotten decent treatment I think we would have been a match made in heaven.
But now he's gone. And I don't know how to reassemble my emotions. Kirk was kind of waking up the romantic, and sexual feelings that went underground when I was depressed. And now, even though he is dead, they are still focused on him. I'm not asexual, I just don't feel anything for anyone other then Kirk and I don't think I ever will. It's a silly though, because i know I'll get over this, but it's there. All I want is Kirk to hold me, Kirk to talk with me, Kirk to send me email, Kirk to call me, Kirk to cuddle up next to me as I fall asleep. The REAL Kirk, not the alive only in my head Kirk.
The only person who is even mildly producing a stir in my psyche is the Kirk look alike. He seems to be waiting for me around every damn corner these days. I've seen him twice already today, and both times it really flipped me out. First time I wanted to kiss him, second I almost cried. He is just so much like my Kirk, so much. I'm half tempted to scream the name Kirk down the hall one day and see if he turns around.
*sigh* oh man, lotta stuff going on in my head. Maybe I'll email Clark today.
