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Gayle left me some feedback today relating that a guy who she crushed on all through high school killed himself yesterday. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS MONTH!!!!!!???????? Why is everyone killing themselves? ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of this! It's not fair that I should have to go through this shit, but now one of my friends has to as well!!! This is so fuct! I truly cannot express in words how supremely fucked this is. And I don't know if you've ever noticed but people have a tendancy to die in threes, so I'm just waiting for the third.
Okay Carla, deep breath.....
I've had a lazy day thus far. Woke up, went to Staples and bought an ethernet card for my laptop. (Which may not even work becaue the damn thing requires windows 98 and I only have Windows 95. Bastards!) Came back and read Beautiful Child for most ofthe afternoon. Got a nice surprise round about 4 PM. Angie called to tell me she was on campus and wanted to see me. So she came over and we chatted for an hour or so. She is leaving for DC in a week or so. She wanted to come up to Knox and say goodbye to all her friends before she left. It was nice to see her.
Oh and I got an email from Mike yesterday putting his two cents in about the Kirk look alike. He thinks maybe this guy is Kirk's way of letting me know he is around, of saying "hi" to me, ya know? I don't really buy it though. I know that Kirk can think, and in fact HAS thought, of less creepy ways to communicate with me. For instance, the many sign coincidences that I discussed in one of my private entries. Through them he was able to say that he was happy Clark was with me over the weekend, and that he was gonna be looking out for me. I might even go as far as to say that Kirk sent Clark to me as a gift once he saw how torn up I was. Even Clark admitted there was a level of coincidence in his visit that was more than chance. It makes me feel like I have a guardian angel. And while I like the idea, I'd still be happier to have Kirk down here with me.
I had a weird dream last night. I dreampt I was a mother. I dreampt I was 23, and had adopted a three or four year old black girl. Originally I thought being a mom would be cool, but as the dream progressed I started saying to myself "what the hell was I thinking?" I was so obviously not equipped to deal with a child. She always wanted attention, wouldn't leave me alone, was always hungry, would spill her juice, I just couldn't deal. I was relieved when I finally got to put her to bed. As usual I have no idea what this means and am open to suggestions.
Last night was a little lonely. Gemma's boyfriend was over and seeing them together made me miss Kirk. Now that he is gone I feel bad about being mad at him for always ditching me. Now I can see his unreliability as the symtom of an unmanagable depression. I remember in one of the sweet begging for forgiveness emails he sent me, (which were extremely touching, and I wish I hadn't deleted them) he said I had every right to be pissed at him. I wrote back telling him that I wasn't really angry at all. Instead, I had been worried about him and the only way I could keep my worry from immobalizing me was to convert it into anger. Worry is a useless emotion, it does you no good. Anger is at least energizing, it gets you going, gives you strength. I was able to do more out of anger for him, then I could have out of worry. It's sad but true, and he must know it since now he is in a place where he has the option of knowing most everything.
I think that's all I've got in me right now.
See ya.
Okay Carla, deep breath.....
I've had a lazy day thus far. Woke up, went to Staples and bought an ethernet card for my laptop. (Which may not even work becaue the damn thing requires windows 98 and I only have Windows 95. Bastards!) Came back and read Beautiful Child for most ofthe afternoon. Got a nice surprise round about 4 PM. Angie called to tell me she was on campus and wanted to see me. So she came over and we chatted for an hour or so. She is leaving for DC in a week or so. She wanted to come up to Knox and say goodbye to all her friends before she left. It was nice to see her.
Oh and I got an email from Mike yesterday putting his two cents in about the Kirk look alike. He thinks maybe this guy is Kirk's way of letting me know he is around, of saying "hi" to me, ya know? I don't really buy it though. I know that Kirk can think, and in fact HAS thought, of less creepy ways to communicate with me. For instance, the many sign coincidences that I discussed in one of my private entries. Through them he was able to say that he was happy Clark was with me over the weekend, and that he was gonna be looking out for me. I might even go as far as to say that Kirk sent Clark to me as a gift once he saw how torn up I was. Even Clark admitted there was a level of coincidence in his visit that was more than chance. It makes me feel like I have a guardian angel. And while I like the idea, I'd still be happier to have Kirk down here with me.
I had a weird dream last night. I dreampt I was a mother. I dreampt I was 23, and had adopted a three or four year old black girl. Originally I thought being a mom would be cool, but as the dream progressed I started saying to myself "what the hell was I thinking?" I was so obviously not equipped to deal with a child. She always wanted attention, wouldn't leave me alone, was always hungry, would spill her juice, I just couldn't deal. I was relieved when I finally got to put her to bed. As usual I have no idea what this means and am open to suggestions.
Last night was a little lonely. Gemma's boyfriend was over and seeing them together made me miss Kirk. Now that he is gone I feel bad about being mad at him for always ditching me. Now I can see his unreliability as the symtom of an unmanagable depression. I remember in one of the sweet begging for forgiveness emails he sent me, (which were extremely touching, and I wish I hadn't deleted them) he said I had every right to be pissed at him. I wrote back telling him that I wasn't really angry at all. Instead, I had been worried about him and the only way I could keep my worry from immobalizing me was to convert it into anger. Worry is a useless emotion, it does you no good. Anger is at least energizing, it gets you going, gives you strength. I was able to do more out of anger for him, then I could have out of worry. It's sad but true, and he must know it since now he is in a place where he has the option of knowing most everything.
I think that's all I've got in me right now.
See ya.
