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To Your Love
Aug. 23rd, 2002 12:27 amWhat a day this has been.
Mom was moody when she got home from work, although she was trying to hide it behind a gritted teeth smile. The way she and I have been interacting tonight has been such a farce. We smile, and are polite, and pleasant towards one another. But I swear she grimices when she looks at me and I flip her off when she turns her back! When I'm away at school I have a tendancy to romanticize this place, to forget how much she and I truly don't like each other. Fact is if she and i weren't family, if we were strangers who met at party or at school, she and I would not become friends.
Another thing I noticed to night: Mom is happier when she has a man in the house. She was in a good mood when Mike came over the other night, and she seems to relax a lot around Dick. She wasn't like that with Aurelie and she is certainly never like that with me. I think she somehow feels protected having a man to look after and to look after her. Because of the time she grew up, I think she somehow feels entiled to have a man take care of her, and i think she is very resentful that she has to take care of herself.
In other news, Kirk called today. He is in Beth Isreal hospital, has been there since Friday. Don't worry though he's not on the psychiatric ward, thank Goddess. He was sort of cryptic about why he was there, wouldn't explain to me what exactly happened because he didn't want to "incriminate himself." Suffice to say, his legs mysteriously gave out on him. He was paralyzed for several days and the doctors originally concluded it was a neurological disorder and he would never be able to walk again. Then a few days later he regained slight use of his legs. Now he can walk on crutches and is expected to be able to walk without them by the end of next week. The docs changed thier diagnosis after seeing this, claimed the only problem was that Kirk's muscles were inflamed and they just had to wait for the swelling to go down.
So thats why he hasn't called or emailed me back. He said he'd tell me the whole story of what happened after he gets out of the hospital. I can only assume by his reluctance to discuss the cause in a hospital setting that his legs gave out in an attempt to kill himself again. He admitted that he was lucky, that "what happened" could just as easily have cause permanent brain damage and he's fortunate that "the problem" went to his legs instead.
I almost cried while he was telling me all this, which is pretty impressive because I rarely cry for others who are in pain, as heartless as that sounds. I must really care about him. Hell, I do really care about him! I spend half my days worrying about him, and I guess my worry is warrented because look what he did to himself. I don't want him to die. :(
Now, Alan, and I have to keep an even closer eye on him. I offered to let him stay at my house the first night he gets out of the hospital, just so he won't have to be alone and isolated in that apartment of his. If he refuses, by Goddess I'm going over to his house and staying with him there! I'm not gonna let him be alone! I'm not gonna let him try this shit again!
PS Kirk said I should go back to school. That even if I don't get the degree, living away from my mother will be an incredibly freeing experience. I trust him. He should know.
Mom was moody when she got home from work, although she was trying to hide it behind a gritted teeth smile. The way she and I have been interacting tonight has been such a farce. We smile, and are polite, and pleasant towards one another. But I swear she grimices when she looks at me and I flip her off when she turns her back! When I'm away at school I have a tendancy to romanticize this place, to forget how much she and I truly don't like each other. Fact is if she and i weren't family, if we were strangers who met at party or at school, she and I would not become friends.
Another thing I noticed to night: Mom is happier when she has a man in the house. She was in a good mood when Mike came over the other night, and she seems to relax a lot around Dick. She wasn't like that with Aurelie and she is certainly never like that with me. I think she somehow feels protected having a man to look after and to look after her. Because of the time she grew up, I think she somehow feels entiled to have a man take care of her, and i think she is very resentful that she has to take care of herself.
In other news, Kirk called today. He is in Beth Isreal hospital, has been there since Friday. Don't worry though he's not on the psychiatric ward, thank Goddess. He was sort of cryptic about why he was there, wouldn't explain to me what exactly happened because he didn't want to "incriminate himself." Suffice to say, his legs mysteriously gave out on him. He was paralyzed for several days and the doctors originally concluded it was a neurological disorder and he would never be able to walk again. Then a few days later he regained slight use of his legs. Now he can walk on crutches and is expected to be able to walk without them by the end of next week. The docs changed thier diagnosis after seeing this, claimed the only problem was that Kirk's muscles were inflamed and they just had to wait for the swelling to go down.
So thats why he hasn't called or emailed me back. He said he'd tell me the whole story of what happened after he gets out of the hospital. I can only assume by his reluctance to discuss the cause in a hospital setting that his legs gave out in an attempt to kill himself again. He admitted that he was lucky, that "what happened" could just as easily have cause permanent brain damage and he's fortunate that "the problem" went to his legs instead.
I almost cried while he was telling me all this, which is pretty impressive because I rarely cry for others who are in pain, as heartless as that sounds. I must really care about him. Hell, I do really care about him! I spend half my days worrying about him, and I guess my worry is warrented because look what he did to himself. I don't want him to die. :(
Now, Alan, and I have to keep an even closer eye on him. I offered to let him stay at my house the first night he gets out of the hospital, just so he won't have to be alone and isolated in that apartment of his. If he refuses, by Goddess I'm going over to his house and staying with him there! I'm not gonna let him be alone! I'm not gonna let him try this shit again!
PS Kirk said I should go back to school. That even if I don't get the degree, living away from my mother will be an incredibly freeing experience. I trust him. He should know.
