All in a Days Work

Welp, got a response from Dean Bailey today. He thinks I should go on leave. Surprise, surprise, that's his answer to everything. I sent him another long ass email explaining why I don't want to go on leave, why I'd rather just throw myself into school and drive myself completely nuts, or just drop out all together. The idea of confining myself to Knox and the stresses of school for even a second longer then I have to is inconcievable to me at this point. I was okay with it last year, the year before, and the year before that. But now it's getting out of hand. I don't like college, I never really have, I've finally got to decide if I'm in or out.

Bailey said and internship would only count for one credit, bugger! And that independent studies would take too long to set up. My best option, if I wanted to keep earning credits he said, would be to attend a school here and the transfer the credits. Which is a lot harder then he seems to think because A) City schools are still more expensive then Knox and non-matriculated students are required to pay full price. B) He has obviously never transferred his grades to Knox before. Well i have and they screwed me over the last time so I'm not about to put myself through that ringer again.

Sheesh.

The only up side to Bailey's email is now I have a thumbs up from someone. I have a high ranking school official who my parents trust telling me it's okay to leave school. They are less likely to give me guff about this if they know I have staff approval.

I'm still waiting to hear back from Kirk. I really want to talk things over with him since he's been where I'm at, and I know he can offer some insight into the situation.

I'm having lunch with Elisabeth tomorrow. We're going to Cafe Mona Lisa, and then to go buy the new Torey Hayden book which Liz assures me is coming out tomorrow. Later in the eveing Mike is coming over for dinner. I'm thinking I may break my news to the fam then, but I dunno. I may want to tell Mom separately since Mike can be a little too confrontational sometimes, and he can make you feel threatened and defensive. Anyway, while he is here, Mike is gonna pick up the disk with my resume on it and print the sucker out at his office.

Also, I typed up my portfolio re writes today. I've got 10 pages now, and I'm not even up to junior high yet! I swear this damn thing is gonna be fifty pages long! I don't know how they expect anyone to get their entire writing history into 25 pages. The writing faculty is nuts!

*sigh* Dick comes back on Wednesday which means this is the last night I get to sleep in the big comfy double bed. No more air conditioning or room of my own. It's okay though, I'll just fold out the couch, make up the queen size bed, and co-op the living room, heh heh :)

Kill Me Now

I don't know what's going on.

I could barely move today. I was unable to enjoy time with Elisabeth. I've been blank or sad all day long. It took every ounce of strength I had to get dressed and showered this morning. The last couple of days all I fantasize about is cutting my wrists, and having a loved one find me bleeding to death. That would show them. No it wouldn't. My mother is the thickest person I've ever met. Of course my suicide would have nothing to do with her. Nothing at all. I bet she'd think I did it just to spite her. Even if I left a note for clarity she'd still find some way to absolve herself. Call me immature, but I still blame my mother for making me what I am today.

Speaking of the Bitch, I told her about the possibility fo me going on leave. She did not take it very well. First she informed me that I am not covered by insurence unless I'm enrolled full time in school. So this puts me inan interesting binde indeed. The whole point of going on leave would be to get me help, but if I go on leave then isurence will not pay for help. So whether I stay home or go to Galesburg I make due without proper treatment. GREAT! Second, she started laying down the law telling me what I would and wouldn't be allowed to do if I lived with her during the fall. Apparently no one ever told her that "tough love" doesn't work on the already meek, reviled, and threatened. We're so used to it we've developed an immunity. And third the whole time we were discussing it she kept refering to my lack of therapy AS IF IT WERE MY FAULT!!!!! As if I were my fault there is no mental health care in Galesburg, as if it is my fault insurence won't cover me if I go on leave.

It becomes startlingly clear that I REALLY can't stay here. I'd rather return to Galesburg and lose my mind at school, rather then watch my mothers criticisms hack away at what remains of my emotional stability. Under her care i will simply wilt. I will surrender to what ever rules she sets up and watch what little is left of my free will evaporate. If I'm going down, I want to go down fighting. And Knox had always been my battlefield of choice.

Another email from Dean Bailey today, two in fact. I don't think I understood anything he said though. None of it makes any sense to me and I don't even care anymore. All I know is I need out of this house NOW. And financially, the only way I can do it is through Knox. This is no longer about a hokey degree. This is about emancipation.

Kirk hasn't emailed or called me and I'm beginning to resent him for it. not because i am mad, but because I'm terribly worried and I can't believe he would let me remain in a state of worry for four days when he knows I'm doing horribly myself and don't need that sort of added stress in my life! Alan thinks Kirk is just disappearing as he is apt to do. But now I'm worried because Kirk is always talking suicide and blah blah blah. KIRK WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WORRY LIKE THIS?! Even when I didn't want to talk to him I at least CALLED to say "hey I'm all right, i just don't want to talk right now!" At least I was courteous; let him know I was fine so he wouldn't have to spend days thinking I was avoiding him or imagining I was hurt.

Mike came over tonight and was very rude to me. Lately no matter what I say to him he interprets it as an insult and snaps at me. And it's just with me not with anyone else. Like right now he and mom are having a jolly ole time laughing in the living room. They weren't like that when I was in there because everything I said made Michael mad.

Still don't know what I'm doing.

Maybe I'll pull a Bulworth and put a hit out on myself.