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All the Divas
Aug. 7th, 2002 04:26 pmHad a very strange dream last night. There were several parts to it, however I don't remember how they all connected to each other. I'll just record what flashes of them I remember.
I dreampt Deepa came over to the house and told me that she had a brain tumor and wasn't expected to live much longer. Doctors didn't even know exactly how much time she had, she could go literally at any minute. I cried.
I also dreampt that I was in another psychiatric hospital. Clark was in it too only he was on a different ward then I was. I got the impression he was on a ward for patients with more serious problems. We both got out. He moved into and apartment with Heather. But not long after I began to feel bad again so I signed myself back into the hospital. All of my old friends on the ward were still there, and I learned on intake that Clark had signed himself back in as well. A very pretty girl who looked something like Diana Grec was debating what outfit she should wear when she went up to his ward to visit him. She obviously had a very big crush on him. I remember they were doing my intake outside the hosptal on a porch typed area. It was raining and we were getting wet and there was a very nice male nurse who was injecting me with all these different drugs.
Night before I dreamed I was back at St Vincent's and I had checked myself in simply to get out of my mom's house. And Derek, Alan, N'Hai, and Kirk were all there with me. Mental wards seem to be very prominent in my psyche at the moment.
And while I'm thinking of it I'd like to spend some time ruminating on the Kirk situation. I know I worry a lot particularly when it comes to boyfriends and potential boyfriends. I'm always afraid my love interest will suddenly discover something about me they don't like and then they will break up with me. I have some very severe abandonment and rejection issues. And while I do worry about these things in relation to Kirk, I worry that he will leave me I.E. stop giving me attention and support, there is also a newer and stronger worry accompanying it. The one I wrote about last night. My fear that he will try to kill himself again taking himself away from me permenently.
I was trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've had plenty of friends who have tried to commit suicide, and I've never worried this much about their safety. I think it's because none of them had actually planned it as deliberately as Kirk did. All the other suicide attempts I'm aware of were very spur of the moment impulsive things. Kirk on the other had was planning his demise for a month. For a month he knew exactly when and how he was going to die. I can't fathom that. I can't imagine what it must take to plan your death so far in advance. I can't imagine wanting it that bad.
Whereas my BF worries are usually very superficial and somewhat trivial, my worries concerning Kirk are very real with very long lasting consequences. I've never known someone who seriusly wanted to die, and I think part of me has a hard time dealing with that. I don't hold it against him or anything. I just don't know how to wrap my mind around the idea. I don't know what set off the desire to die in his head. I don't know how to keep it from going off again. I don't know if there is anything I can do.
I feel it must be even more dangerous to fall for a guy with a death wish then it is to fall for Joe Blow. But this worry is so intense, and the time I spend with Kirk is so wonderful it's a risk I'm willing to take. And I don't unerstand why.
New Topic: While I was at jury duty I managed to rewrite the first few pages of my portfolio. It was pretty easy but now I have to start writing new material and that scares me. Rewriting was a synch because I didn't have to think or create, Ijust had to rearrnge what was already on the page. Now I have to actually start WRITING again and frankly I don't think I have the drive to do it right now.
The intro is not going to be easy. So I'm giving myself all of August to tinker with it. Fuck everyting else. I figure 20 pages is a joke, I can write it in a day. Ditto for the ten page papers. Hell I've written 10 pages in 6 hours. If I can do it once I can do it again. I am not concerned with getting good grades anymore. A C or a D would suit me fine. I just want al this shit to be over.
I'm so tired.
Carla
I dreampt Deepa came over to the house and told me that she had a brain tumor and wasn't expected to live much longer. Doctors didn't even know exactly how much time she had, she could go literally at any minute. I cried.
I also dreampt that I was in another psychiatric hospital. Clark was in it too only he was on a different ward then I was. I got the impression he was on a ward for patients with more serious problems. We both got out. He moved into and apartment with Heather. But not long after I began to feel bad again so I signed myself back into the hospital. All of my old friends on the ward were still there, and I learned on intake that Clark had signed himself back in as well. A very pretty girl who looked something like Diana Grec was debating what outfit she should wear when she went up to his ward to visit him. She obviously had a very big crush on him. I remember they were doing my intake outside the hosptal on a porch typed area. It was raining and we were getting wet and there was a very nice male nurse who was injecting me with all these different drugs.
Night before I dreamed I was back at St Vincent's and I had checked myself in simply to get out of my mom's house. And Derek, Alan, N'Hai, and Kirk were all there with me. Mental wards seem to be very prominent in my psyche at the moment.
And while I'm thinking of it I'd like to spend some time ruminating on the Kirk situation. I know I worry a lot particularly when it comes to boyfriends and potential boyfriends. I'm always afraid my love interest will suddenly discover something about me they don't like and then they will break up with me. I have some very severe abandonment and rejection issues. And while I do worry about these things in relation to Kirk, I worry that he will leave me I.E. stop giving me attention and support, there is also a newer and stronger worry accompanying it. The one I wrote about last night. My fear that he will try to kill himself again taking himself away from me permenently.
I was trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've had plenty of friends who have tried to commit suicide, and I've never worried this much about their safety. I think it's because none of them had actually planned it as deliberately as Kirk did. All the other suicide attempts I'm aware of were very spur of the moment impulsive things. Kirk on the other had was planning his demise for a month. For a month he knew exactly when and how he was going to die. I can't fathom that. I can't imagine what it must take to plan your death so far in advance. I can't imagine wanting it that bad.
Whereas my BF worries are usually very superficial and somewhat trivial, my worries concerning Kirk are very real with very long lasting consequences. I've never known someone who seriusly wanted to die, and I think part of me has a hard time dealing with that. I don't hold it against him or anything. I just don't know how to wrap my mind around the idea. I don't know what set off the desire to die in his head. I don't know how to keep it from going off again. I don't know if there is anything I can do.
I feel it must be even more dangerous to fall for a guy with a death wish then it is to fall for Joe Blow. But this worry is so intense, and the time I spend with Kirk is so wonderful it's a risk I'm willing to take. And I don't unerstand why.
New Topic: While I was at jury duty I managed to rewrite the first few pages of my portfolio. It was pretty easy but now I have to start writing new material and that scares me. Rewriting was a synch because I didn't have to think or create, Ijust had to rearrnge what was already on the page. Now I have to actually start WRITING again and frankly I don't think I have the drive to do it right now.
The intro is not going to be easy. So I'm giving myself all of August to tinker with it. Fuck everyting else. I figure 20 pages is a joke, I can write it in a day. Ditto for the ten page papers. Hell I've written 10 pages in 6 hours. If I can do it once I can do it again. I am not concerned with getting good grades anymore. A C or a D would suit me fine. I just want al this shit to be over.
I'm so tired.
Carla
