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Crazy Life
Jun. 17th, 2002 04:28 amLife is weird. I can't explain it any better than that. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm still in that physical, emotional, mental, and psychic standstill I was in while I was at school. I can't seem to get out of this stasis. I dont think I know how to. I just feel all BLAH! It's not good.
There are so many things I wish I had the courage and energy to do. For instance, I would like to start running, I would like to volunteer at the suicide hotline, I'd like to find a shrink and have regular meetings, I wish I could summon up the courage to go to the mood disorders meetings. If I did all of these things I would be busy, I would have a routine and I would be expending my energy in a positive way. But all I really seem to want to do is sleep all day and eat all night. Watched four hours of Law and Order tonight. It was fun. But afterwards I was not satisfied. It felt like really bad sex. I just feel lazy and confused and fat. I am gaining TONS of weight, I'm back up to 150 believe it or not. I haven't been that heavy since I was 15 or 16! Back in September I was 120 for crying out loud! What the hell is happening to me?
I just can't bring myself around to start the work of getting better. I wish I had some motivation. I just try to take one day at a time, set one small goal for myself each day, like go for a walk, grocery shop, clean a little more of your room. Even those small activites take all my strength to perform. Even so they are hardly challenging. Estes, or maybe it was O'Connor, says we need challenge in our lives in order to get through each day, we need to have a worthwhile goal to strive for. I guess going grocery shopping just isn't cutting it for me psychologically. But physically it's all I can manage. I'm sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, which normally would be fine only I don't think I'm getting enough sunlight since I'm not walking as often as I used to.
What should I do?
I ask the Goddess for motivation, I ask her to purify me of the desire to over eat, I ask her to help me figure things out. And nothing happens. They say God helps those who help themselves and nothing could be truer. I think I know what I need to do to help myself. I just need the energy to do it.
In other news I saw Episode two this weekend. It was terrible. Adrienne was right, the script was a travesty. People were shushing us because we were laughing so hard at the dialogue. But Yoda is the shit. Also ate Mexican again and yet again it was good stuff. Still haven't decided what to do for my birthday. All I know is I am DYING to get both of the Watchers Guides. We will probably go out to dinner, maybe a movie too. Just the typical fare.
I know I'm gonna regret writing this but I might as well say it since it's been in my head all week. I wish I could talk to Kevin. I've been staring at his screen name all week wishing I could IM him, just to see how he is, just to make sure he is happy. I would do it only I know he will start telling me about his girlfriend and frankly I don't care about how wonderful she or the sex is. I just want to make sure he is happy. If I could just ask that quation, get a yes or no answer and then flutter off I would totally do it. But I can't. He will talk. And I don't want to hear him talk.
I'm like this with all of my Exs. I'm more like a mother than an ex-girlfriend. It's always the same, I care so much about them I need to keep tabs on them for a little bit, just to be sure they are getting on without me. I still keep my ear to the wall when it comes to Marc. I pick up bits and pieces of info just so I can acess how his life is going. Not out of malice, but out of love. Did the same thing with Clark when the two of us weren't speaking. Hell I even did it with Moses! At the beginning of each school year I would always ask Dave or Heather, so have you spoken to him yet? Does he seem happy? Are he and Allison still together? Good. It's my fatal flaw, I care too much. Underneath all my anger and hatred, is love. I just want everyone to be all right.
Even me.
There are so many things I wish I had the courage and energy to do. For instance, I would like to start running, I would like to volunteer at the suicide hotline, I'd like to find a shrink and have regular meetings, I wish I could summon up the courage to go to the mood disorders meetings. If I did all of these things I would be busy, I would have a routine and I would be expending my energy in a positive way. But all I really seem to want to do is sleep all day and eat all night. Watched four hours of Law and Order tonight. It was fun. But afterwards I was not satisfied. It felt like really bad sex. I just feel lazy and confused and fat. I am gaining TONS of weight, I'm back up to 150 believe it or not. I haven't been that heavy since I was 15 or 16! Back in September I was 120 for crying out loud! What the hell is happening to me?
I just can't bring myself around to start the work of getting better. I wish I had some motivation. I just try to take one day at a time, set one small goal for myself each day, like go for a walk, grocery shop, clean a little more of your room. Even those small activites take all my strength to perform. Even so they are hardly challenging. Estes, or maybe it was O'Connor, says we need challenge in our lives in order to get through each day, we need to have a worthwhile goal to strive for. I guess going grocery shopping just isn't cutting it for me psychologically. But physically it's all I can manage. I'm sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, which normally would be fine only I don't think I'm getting enough sunlight since I'm not walking as often as I used to.
What should I do?
I ask the Goddess for motivation, I ask her to purify me of the desire to over eat, I ask her to help me figure things out. And nothing happens. They say God helps those who help themselves and nothing could be truer. I think I know what I need to do to help myself. I just need the energy to do it.
In other news I saw Episode two this weekend. It was terrible. Adrienne was right, the script was a travesty. People were shushing us because we were laughing so hard at the dialogue. But Yoda is the shit. Also ate Mexican again and yet again it was good stuff. Still haven't decided what to do for my birthday. All I know is I am DYING to get both of the Watchers Guides. We will probably go out to dinner, maybe a movie too. Just the typical fare.
I know I'm gonna regret writing this but I might as well say it since it's been in my head all week. I wish I could talk to Kevin. I've been staring at his screen name all week wishing I could IM him, just to see how he is, just to make sure he is happy. I would do it only I know he will start telling me about his girlfriend and frankly I don't care about how wonderful she or the sex is. I just want to make sure he is happy. If I could just ask that quation, get a yes or no answer and then flutter off I would totally do it. But I can't. He will talk. And I don't want to hear him talk.
I'm like this with all of my Exs. I'm more like a mother than an ex-girlfriend. It's always the same, I care so much about them I need to keep tabs on them for a little bit, just to be sure they are getting on without me. I still keep my ear to the wall when it comes to Marc. I pick up bits and pieces of info just so I can acess how his life is going. Not out of malice, but out of love. Did the same thing with Clark when the two of us weren't speaking. Hell I even did it with Moses! At the beginning of each school year I would always ask Dave or Heather, so have you spoken to him yet? Does he seem happy? Are he and Allison still together? Good. It's my fatal flaw, I care too much. Underneath all my anger and hatred, is love. I just want everyone to be all right.
Even me.
