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Clinically Fucked Up
May. 7th, 2002 03:11 pmI haven't really written anything substantial in here for a few days. It's gotten to the point where even journaling feels like an impossible chore, too time consuming, and not worth while enough. The last two days I've sunk into a realm of constant neutrality. I don't feel nothing about anything. Nothing matters. I don't care. For instance, today a really cute guy came into the music library. Normally I would put on my charming face, and start flirting. But today I just didn't give a shit. I was just like, cute guy, yeah, whatever, and went back to reading about sleep deprivation! Everything is cloudy.
The book I'm reading, Undoing Depression, is really good. It offers very common sense techniques to help over come your problems. But just as every other cure, the techniques take time to develope. Like my medication, I just have to wait for their accumulated effect to kick in and that could take months.
Met with Hord today about my incomplete. He was very understanding about the whole thing, said he had felt, even last term, that something was wrong. But as usual he is concerned with keeping things fair for the rest of the class, so he is going to speak to Dean Bailey again and we will continue to try and work out how im going to make up this class. I'm going to ask for an I in protfolio too when I meet with Bailey on Thursday.
I have stopped going to portfolio and Lit class all together. I must say my stress level has gone down considerably, and it has some what increased my motivation to do other things in my life that need doing, like cleaning and laundry, and cashing checks and going to work. I think if I can just create some kind of mental space for myself where I can just be free to float, to relax, to understand myself and my surroundings I will be better able to cope next year when it really counts.
All right time to abruptly change topics. A couple of days ago a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous, asked me to stop writing about her in my journal. She said she felt I betrayed her trust in writing about her, that when she sopke to me she didn't expect it to get posted on the web for all to see. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time I'm very mad. I've never understood confidantiality. I'm very open about my life, about the good, bad, and embaressing things that happen to me. I'm not ashamed of them, so I don't see why other people should be ashamed of the things that happen to them.
But even apart from that I feel that in asking me not to write about her she is trying to silence me. The fact remains that when someone I care about tells me something personal I am going to have strong feelings about what is said. The story effects me, and in essence stops being just about that person's life, but merges into my life as well. In sharing with one another people integrate their individual stories. No one lives on an island everything we do and say effects everyone else. What my friend said, made me sad, worried, and upset, and I feel that in asking me not to write about her she is not allowing me to own those feelings.
Of course the simple solution is, well just make it a private entry, which I will do from now on whenever I write about this individual. But I hate private entries because they prevent me from being honest with everyone. I hate saying I'm feeling a certain way with out explaining why.
I know that was a long crazy rant but I just wanted to get it all out. Ok, time to start cleaning my room again...or go back to sleep.
The book I'm reading, Undoing Depression, is really good. It offers very common sense techniques to help over come your problems. But just as every other cure, the techniques take time to develope. Like my medication, I just have to wait for their accumulated effect to kick in and that could take months.
Met with Hord today about my incomplete. He was very understanding about the whole thing, said he had felt, even last term, that something was wrong. But as usual he is concerned with keeping things fair for the rest of the class, so he is going to speak to Dean Bailey again and we will continue to try and work out how im going to make up this class. I'm going to ask for an I in protfolio too when I meet with Bailey on Thursday.
I have stopped going to portfolio and Lit class all together. I must say my stress level has gone down considerably, and it has some what increased my motivation to do other things in my life that need doing, like cleaning and laundry, and cashing checks and going to work. I think if I can just create some kind of mental space for myself where I can just be free to float, to relax, to understand myself and my surroundings I will be better able to cope next year when it really counts.
All right time to abruptly change topics. A couple of days ago a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous, asked me to stop writing about her in my journal. She said she felt I betrayed her trust in writing about her, that when she sopke to me she didn't expect it to get posted on the web for all to see. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time I'm very mad. I've never understood confidantiality. I'm very open about my life, about the good, bad, and embaressing things that happen to me. I'm not ashamed of them, so I don't see why other people should be ashamed of the things that happen to them.
But even apart from that I feel that in asking me not to write about her she is trying to silence me. The fact remains that when someone I care about tells me something personal I am going to have strong feelings about what is said. The story effects me, and in essence stops being just about that person's life, but merges into my life as well. In sharing with one another people integrate their individual stories. No one lives on an island everything we do and say effects everyone else. What my friend said, made me sad, worried, and upset, and I feel that in asking me not to write about her she is not allowing me to own those feelings.
Of course the simple solution is, well just make it a private entry, which I will do from now on whenever I write about this individual. But I hate private entries because they prevent me from being honest with everyone. I hate saying I'm feeling a certain way with out explaining why.
I know that was a long crazy rant but I just wanted to get it all out. Ok, time to start cleaning my room again...or go back to sleep.
