Walk on the Darkside

Okay being a bum was cool earlier but now, late in the eveing...or rather very early in the morning, with the winds whistling its own scray tune outside my window, its not so fun.

I didnt do anything productive today, just slept, watched Tv, and played on the computer. i meant to read the rest of Roman Fever tonight but I didnt. My heart just wasnt in it. I mean Ive already takne notes on half of the book and i could write a perfectly insightful book just based onthat. So I think thats what Im gonna do. Im just gonna organize the information I have and start writing tomorrow. ill just see what comes out. And if its acceptable Ill keep writing. If its not Ill have to finish reading the book.

I always marvel at the power of the night. It's always late at night when you are all alone that the very worst thoughts about yourself come to mind. Like right now I am feeling very ugly and undesirable. I wasn't feeling like this earlier. In fact I was feeling downright sexy lounging around in my PJs! But now at 4 AM I do not. Now I feel like an idiot. Like someone who wasted her day :(

Will anyone ever want me I wonder? Truthfully, I've been feeling quite remarkable ever since I stopped talking to Kevin. I forget how happy I am when I'm single. Being single is so much simpler than being involved with someone. I can do everything I like doing without worrying about catering to the needs of another. Ditto goes for having fewer friends now. I always knew I was a caretaker to my friends, I don't think I ever realized to what degree.

Also, boyfriends and cliques are an emotional crutch I'm beginning to realize. To me they are anyhow. When they are there I rely too much on them for my self-worth. Without them I have to create my own which is of course much healthier.

I know I am happier without a boyfriend yet I really want one at this moment. The things we wish for when we are lonely.

This too shall pass.