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Old Fashion Superstition
Feb. 25th, 2002 08:45 pmUgh. Still feeling icky but not for the same reasons. My head is clearing up, the antibiotics are finally working. Only thing is I think they are giving me a yeast infection. I've been trying to beat it off, eating lots of yogurt and what not just like the Doc told me to, but it don't seem to be helping. If I have to stay on these pills for 10 days then I will undoubtably get a yeast infection. And then I will be layed up in bed for at least another three to five days and I SOOOO cannot afford to be missing that much class. I hate medications that cure one illness only to bring on another. I ask you, what's the point?
Anyway, had a good long talk with Kevin this afternoon. It was nice, we were on the phone for like an hour. It was fun while it lasted but as usual the minute we got off the phone I started to worry. Today's conversation was really great. I have no doubt that he misses me, and I know he cares about me. But I still worry. Again a lot of today's conversation revolved around sex. Our conversations have been getting increasingly sexual over the last week. It's making me uncomfortable. I wonder yet again if that's all we really have between us, if all the caring and missing stems out of that rather than a genuine liking of one another.
I mean with most of my exs all we really had was sex, as sorry as I am to say that. We never really took the time to become friends therefore we never really got to like one another. Any romantic inclinations were just a function of the sexual relations. The exception, ironically enough, was Marc. We were friends for like over a year before he asked me out. We knew that we liked each other as individuals. We both enjoyed writing and literature so we could sit around and talk about that and about movies for hours. We could just talk about our days in all of their mediocrity. And since we had totally differing opinions on..well...everything, we could sit and debate each other for hours on end. We could actually have philisophical conversations for christ's sake! That's not the kind of stuff I talk to my significant others about.
I dunno, I just wish when Kev and I are on the phone we can say something other than I miss you and I want you so bad. But I don't know how to fix it. I ask him how his day is and he doesn't tell me anything. He gives vague monosyllabic answers. Truth is I don't care how fucking boring his day is. If I ask him what he did I want to know!
And I guess I really shouldn't even be bitching about this stuff because I obviously have my own communication issues. The thing is I want thim to totally trust me and talk to me, only I don't want to have to trust him. I don't want to have to bare my soul. Yes I know its really hypocritical. But I just don't want to put my heart on the line. I truly don't. I am not in the mood to have it broken twice in one year. The fact that I cant trust is part of where my communication problems come from. How can you be totally open if you aren't always being yourself? I'm not sure how much of myself Kevin can take. And I don't want to risk finding out. I don't want him to see all the ugly on the inside.
Anyway, had a good long talk with Kevin this afternoon. It was nice, we were on the phone for like an hour. It was fun while it lasted but as usual the minute we got off the phone I started to worry. Today's conversation was really great. I have no doubt that he misses me, and I know he cares about me. But I still worry. Again a lot of today's conversation revolved around sex. Our conversations have been getting increasingly sexual over the last week. It's making me uncomfortable. I wonder yet again if that's all we really have between us, if all the caring and missing stems out of that rather than a genuine liking of one another.
I mean with most of my exs all we really had was sex, as sorry as I am to say that. We never really took the time to become friends therefore we never really got to like one another. Any romantic inclinations were just a function of the sexual relations. The exception, ironically enough, was Marc. We were friends for like over a year before he asked me out. We knew that we liked each other as individuals. We both enjoyed writing and literature so we could sit around and talk about that and about movies for hours. We could just talk about our days in all of their mediocrity. And since we had totally differing opinions on..well...everything, we could sit and debate each other for hours on end. We could actually have philisophical conversations for christ's sake! That's not the kind of stuff I talk to my significant others about.
I dunno, I just wish when Kev and I are on the phone we can say something other than I miss you and I want you so bad. But I don't know how to fix it. I ask him how his day is and he doesn't tell me anything. He gives vague monosyllabic answers. Truth is I don't care how fucking boring his day is. If I ask him what he did I want to know!
And I guess I really shouldn't even be bitching about this stuff because I obviously have my own communication issues. The thing is I want thim to totally trust me and talk to me, only I don't want to have to trust him. I don't want to have to bare my soul. Yes I know its really hypocritical. But I just don't want to put my heart on the line. I truly don't. I am not in the mood to have it broken twice in one year. The fact that I cant trust is part of where my communication problems come from. How can you be totally open if you aren't always being yourself? I'm not sure how much of myself Kevin can take. And I don't want to risk finding out. I don't want him to see all the ugly on the inside.
