Shame and Everlasting Contempt

I'm thirsty. I want some ice water but we gots no ice in this dorm. I could go get a cold soda. But I don't want soda I want cold water.

I had pizza at 11:30 and now I feel fat. I've been gaining weight which makes me not feel too good about myself. Not that I actually LOOK fat. Everyone says I'm normal for my height. But I feel butt ugly. Residual effects from getting teased in junior high.


Whats wrong with me?

I Don't Like Mondays

Why the hell does Kevin have to be happier then ever while I'm miserable?

I was talking to him online this morning and he was telling me how happy he is in his new apartment and how happy he is without me. Feels like he doesn't have a care in the world. Feels happier then he has in months. He had an arguement about trampling people to get what you want and he started to insult me calling me paranoid. I was so upset I cried after we got off.

I want him to come crawling back so I can kick him down! I want him to realize what a mistake it was to dump me. I want him to be miserable without me!

Then I was thinking in the shower that every relationship has a purpose right? I helped him get the aprtment that made him happy. I helped him find the motivation to break his lease. And now hes great. Maybe my whole purpose in his life was to give him the motivation to get out of a situation that was making him miserable. In essence I brought joy to his life whether he realizes it or not. And I'm always saying that all I want to do is help people and make them happy. Well maybe that was the mission I was charged with when goddess brough Kevin to me. Just make him happy and then leave. Maybe I want recognition for that. But I also always say that to bring happiness is a thankless job. I guess I cant expect him to really recognize the role I played in his happiness. Maybe this is one of Goddess's great attempts to teach me something new but in a gentle way. I think it might be working for once.

And I don't have to stick around and take his shit either. My pupose has been fullfilled so I dont have to keep seeing him or talking to him or trying to maintain a friendship. It's over. It's done.

I know that sounds all zen but I'm still a vengeful bitch.

Today I am wearing the brown wool duster that Kevin hates just to spite him. I know it's stupid but I never claimed to be mature.