morrigirl | "I have known love like a whore"

I haven't written anything substantial in here in quite some time and since today seems to be the day of huge bloody updates I figured I'd give in to peer pressure and do the same.

With the writing exercise I have to read in front of the class due tomorrow I've finally found something to write about. I'm doing a memoir typed piece about my grandmother's house. She was a renowned ballet teacher (the woman had an award named after her) and there were two dance studios built onto her house. I'm writing about those and what it was like to play in them as a child. How they felt in the day time and how they felt at night. It's not awesome, I'm not even sure it meets the requirements of the assignment, but it's better than what I had before and the subject matter is familiar enough that it allows me to be a bit more exotic with my description. If anyone wants to take a look at it *cough*

kdc4evr *cough* before class tomorrow it would be greatly appreciated.

I finally took myself to the sports center here on campus and got approval to use the facilities. Yesterday I attempted to go swimming but that was cut short when the ten year old goggles my mother insisted on giving me rather than see me spend five bucks on a new pair, broke half way through my first lap. I tried swimming another lap without them but it was useless. I couldn't see where I was going and kept veering into the ropes. This weekend I'm going to Modell's and buying a new pair. I went down to Paragon this weekend to get some but it was stupid crowded inside and there was a line at the goggle counter.

As usual I found something else to bitch about while in the east village. Everyone down there is way too pretty. All you got down there now are toothpicks tottering around in Steve Madden shoes! (As oppose to toothpicks shooting heroin in various stages of undress the way it should be.) They carry Prada bags and have no tits. Thier boyfriends are all coiffed and pressed and these aren't the sort of people that are supposed to hang out downtown! When I was younger the people got uglier the further east you walked. They got uglier and dirtier and had more dope. Now they get more yuppified the closer you get to the water. So sad.

In other news, two nights ago I called

risaypaz for the first time in forever. It was nice to hear her voice especially since I've been so lonely lately. Still, I felt kind of bad talking to her just cause I didn't have anyting to say. She kept asking "So Carla, tell me about you, what's going on with you?" and I had nothing to tell her. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, play some games, read, go to bed way later then I should and wake up overly tired the next morning. That's my life. That's the way it's been for a few weeks now. I don't have any friends I see regularly apart from my mom and brother. I don't really go anywhere or do anything interesting. (Though I am going to try and score tickets to the Michael Penn show at Joe's Pub.) I keep to my apartment, I don't venture too far from home. It's boring and lonely but I don't know what else to do. I scoff at the words "get out more" because I don't see the point of going out unless I have a reason. I need to have somewhere to go, something to do, someone to meet. I get no joy from going out for it's own sake. In cases like that I end up wandering aimlessly and feeling just as frustrated as I would had I stayed home. I haven't written recently because there hasn't been anything to say. Life is the same day in and day out and while I can't say I'm sad, I'm not sure I'm happy either. I'm level, but in a bad way. In a restless way, in a frightened way.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I practice guided meditation. It's boring and relaxing and does a great job of knocking my lights out. I was doing one focused on the second chakra a couple nights ago and accidentally dicovered an imprint. In new age chakra speak an imprint is basically a memory that is stored in your physical body. The second chakra is concerned with beauty and sexuality so the memory that came up related to my body. It wasn't anything I'd all out forgotten, just something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And the memory was very...sensual. The tastes, the textures, the physical feelings surrounding it were very clear. It made me aware of particular behaviors I exhibit and why I still engage in them. It's a memory I can work with.

OM has not been well. He's rapidly falling into the college student habit of not sleeping. At all. Ever. And it's starting to make him physically ill. Whenever I talk to him he sounds sleepy and is dealing with some form of physical malady. Sends me back to the days and weeks on end when I didn't sleep and while how it seemed necessary at the time actually did me more harm than good. I was more effective as a student and a human being if I slept. I'm hopinh Mike will come to this conclusion soon as well and get back on a normal sleep schedule. I'm afraid he's gonna make himself sick.

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"I have known love like a whore"

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